By Kieran Black
Since the dawn of the digital age, when the first mass produced video game consol ‘The Magnavox Odyssey’ first appeared in 1968, a love affair between males and video games began that would see the technology steadily develop and improve over the years until almost every Western household in the world owned some form of video game.
However as man’s love of video games grew and grew, women’s scorn of lazy husbands and children began to cause many a family feud in households all over the world; the reason being, most men and boys would rather play pong or space invaders than mow the lawn or do the dishes, and who can blame them?
Much to the detriment of woman folk; due to the ever increasing addictive nature of video games, with every new generation of console came new generations of obsessive gamers who were trading the mundane tasks involved with living healthy lifestyles for the excitement of the screen.
Even when women try out of curiousity or to humor insistent males, it always seemed to be a shortlived experience and they would get frustrated of their inability to play and bore of it easily.
Combine that with the introduction of the internet and pornography at the click of the button and women’s once all powerful feminem guile starts taking a backseat for many to the thrill and excitement of the virtual worlds we can access through our gaming systems.
Much as women were liberated from the confines of the kitchen through cultural changes in Western society, as the thrill of video games comes close to exceeding that of real life, perhaps we will see a new liberation of many men from the pussy whip and enter a new age of social isolation and fantasy.
Either way, the nature of things as the last 40 years have taught that we can’t have both. The more time we spend playing online video games the more we narrow our physical social spectrum to other male nerds and a handful of (supposive) girls that play video games and in a vain attempt to find the best of both worlds some of us like to fantasize that the ‘noob’ ‘superhotchik69’ who just joined our online clan, is in fact a super hot nympho babe who looks like , when in stark reality she actually looks more like .
Although video games would not exactly fall under the category of real life, they do simulate real life experiences through an existential frame of being which is becoming more advanced by the day and further confusing the border between reality and unreality, for instance, does an internet girlfriend count as a real girlfriend? Can you be intimate with someone you have never seen or touched?
Some men believe in these digital relationships so determidely that they spend years in pseudo relationships prior to even meeting the real life version of their virtual infatuations. Have they transcended our world for the virtual world? Robotically maintaining only the basic neccessities of survival and basing all of their higher thinking, socialising, sense of self worth on a big sterile internet server somewhere in California.
Well maybe this is the way of the future, could mankind secretly yearns to be a part of some large-scale computer circuit such as the one you see in the Matrix? No one knows but maybe we can get a good idea by comparing the realtive virtues of a girlfriend versus being hardcore gamer.
Lets start with…
1. Video games can’t get pregnant
This is only really a half truth because their are such games as ‘The Sims’ or ‘Fable’ where you can get yourself or others pregnant, but even so the advantage of having a computer baby rather than an actual one is that you can switch it off when you don’t feel like playing and you don’t need to worry about paying for it, a luxury you wont have with a real life newborn babe.
2. Video games won’t nag you or complain.
Video games tend not to be as demanding as girlfriends, they don’t nag you to clean your room or complain when you don’t give them enough attention or get jealous of you hanging out with your friends.
3. Video games will never leave you
As long as you pay your electricity bill then video games will always be there for you; even if your system breaks down or it gets stolen, no problem! Just go down to the video game store and buy another one and if they turn out to be defective you can always get your money back (if only this was the case with women)
4. Video games are cheaper.
Sure people ‘say’ that love is free, but is it really? Just ask any guy who’s been in a long term relationship how much money he’s spent on fancy dinners, flowers and chocolates, the costs are never ending!
However, with a video game there is only a one off fee and then it’s yours forever.
5. Video games keep getting better.
Video games are not like music or movies, no one is going around saying they used to make them better in the 1960’s!
Video games are always getting better with the times as new technology is developed and implemented. With women however, there tends to be an expiry date after 40 years so you will need to love them for more than their looks to make that one work out.
1. Women can get pregnant.
Although not having babies is also a pro for video games it is also a con if you do hope to have children one day because the more time you spend on video games the less likely you are to meet the girl of your dreams and start popping out little you’s.
2. Girlfriends can give you sexual favours.
Video games can not perform sexual favours… yet.
Until they come out with a PS3 accessory that knows how to please the modern man in more ways than one, video games cannot give blowjobs, handjobs or have hot sweaty animal sex with you, until this technology is developed and incorporated into mainstream gaming then you will always need women to fully satisfy your sexual urges.
3. They smell nice.
Most women smell delightful, maybe it’s the pheromones, maybe it’s the shampoo or soap they wear, more likely it’s probably excessive amounts of perfume, either way, we enjoy it and video games might be able to satisfy your eyes with the likes of Tomb Raiders Lara Croft or the hot naked space lesbians of Mass Effect but if you can’t smell them then they are still a longshot from feeling like the real thing.
4. They look nice.
Not only do women smell good, but they also look good. They have bumps and curves in places that we don’t and most men like those bumps and curves especially when they are not pixilated.
5. They make us more productive people and drive us to do better.
As much as we may loathe the nagging of women, the truth is behind every great man there is a great women driving him onwards. Women help us do better, they generally make us tidier, encourage us to work harder and make plans with you to do great things. Video games have the opposite affect.
6. They have boobies.
Who doesn’t like a nice pair of boobies? They are such fun to play with! You can fondle them, suck on them, pinch them to make them hard, they are endless fun for the whole family! And if you don’t own a pair then you can always go out and get some, just make sure you have permission before you go sticking your paws where they don’t belong!
Until video games consols come out with funbag shaped controllers (this idea has hereby been patented by Way Of The Player inc!) women are your only option so you better start sculpting your game to get some good ones.
All considered, it does seem like quite a hard choice, both video games and women have a lot to offer but how do we choose? Well I guess that all comes down to a matter of preference, How much do you like sex?
Perhaps this is modern version of Darwin’s ‘survival of the fittest’ theory in play, If we procrastinate in the virtual world while other men are having sex with real live girls then gamers will slowly die out and be replaced by men who like to get laid so male hardcore gamers are fundamentally doomed by their own nature. And despite all the new innovative sex toys and virtual arenas of the 21st century, the fact of the matter is, nothing can perfectly replicate a real live girl or their vaginas, yet.
So while some of us eagerly await the invention of a sex robot, the rest of us, the players of this world will be doing what we do best and putting our attentions towards more physical persuits and if you are a hardcore gamer reading this it might be time to put the question to yourself, do I spend too much time playing video games instead of looking for love and adventure?
By Kieran Black