Part 2: Accessorising For The Modern Player
Welcome to Part 2 of the Player’s guide to accessorising. If you have not read Part 1 then we advise you read it before continuing as there are references in here that might confuse you otherwise.
In Part 1 we covered what attires are generally suitable for a player when outside of his domicile. We asserted the rule ‘Never leave home in less than your best’ to be of a Primary importance to our success in the fashion and style department, this is because as a Player we need to appear to be in the upper echelon of mortal men at all times and we would never want to risk anyone seeing us in less than our best and identify a chink in our otherwise near perfect facade.
In this article we will be covering the accessories, the little things that singularly make little difference but collectively they make the man. This attention to detail is vital to the success of our overall image for the simple reason that the little details are overlooked by most unenlightened men and this provides us with an opportunity to stand out as Kings among men.
In this article we are going to be going through the most important accessories for players starting from the feet up. You might disagree with some of the style suggestions we have in here and if you do then thats okay… But we do know what we’re talking about so try and keep an open mind and take notes if you need to, it might just result in you getting laid by a super hot girl.
So it’s up to you, you can do it our way or you can do it your way but ‘our way’ guarantees an improvement to your style and therefore to your game and just maybe it’s time to ask yourself “How is doing it ‘my way’ working out for me?”
We are going to start by talking about shoelaces, not the most profound or interesting of accessories but relevant none the less and quite important to keeping our shoes attached to our feet.
Shoelaces should always be modest and the same color as your shoes. You don’t want to draw unnecessary attention to your shoelaces because this is an area of your body you don’t particularly want to accentuate. For dress shoes, leather shoelaces are always the preferred trendy option although they do have a tendency to break more frequently, so as long as you don’t play football in them you should be okay.
Nylon and weaved shoelaces should only be worn with sports shoes and sneakers. These shoelaces are easy to distinguish because they have a hard plastic cap at the end of them to stop them unweaving. That little cap seems to have a limited shelf life as any person who has owned a pair of sneakers would know that eventually they tend to become fluffy at the end and sometimes due to multi-layers when you pull it, it ends up looking like a skinned caterpillar. If you insist on wearing shoes that use these laces make sure you replace them before they get to this stage to maintain the integrity of your shoe.
Although hardly an accessory we just wanted to clarify than no heterosexual man should ever rollerblade, unless it 100% guarantees him getting laid by a really sexy babe.
The only other time a player may roll is if he is with his homies or there is some kind of flat board between the player and the surface he is riding (not a scooter).
If you are someone who plays a heavy contact sport or you roller skate or something, then knee pads are quite an acceptable accessory for a player. As long as they are black and do not have any colourful bits on them.
Our knees are important to us, we use them every day for walking and posing thoughtfully, knee pads keep our knees safe from harm and are therefore our friend in high risk sports.
A Player must never ever wear Lycra shorts. Period.
There is absolutely no exception to this rule.
Rock climbing is awesome and so is safety. There is nothing uncool about wearing a safety harness whilst participating in extreme sports.
If however, a player is rock climbing with an attractive female, the player must ALWAYS climb up the mountain/climbing platform second. As this is a great opportunity to get a rewarding view of said attractive female’s sexy posterior in action. If said female questions why you are climbing up second simply say ‘So I can catch you if you fall my dear’ then let her dote on you adoringly before resuming to watch the motions of her athletic butt in action.
Much like the knee pads, it is unacceptable to have bright girly colors on a player’s harness. Varying degrees of Blue, red and black are perfectly acceptable.
A belt should be kept simple, modern and as a general rule, your belt should be darker than whatever colour pants you are wearing.
The belt is an important accessory for the modern player because it is one of the more obvious extras which constitute the attention to detail that distinguishes the player’s from the rest of the pack.
The only type of dress belt a player should wear is a belt of the leather variety. Canvas or material belts might work if you are a clueless 15 year old kid on your way to your first house party but as men we should be aiming to achieve a look of maturity, distinction and class. A leather belt is an essential part of that image.
Nothing says ‘I eat red meat for breakfast lunch and dinner’ like a big manly tool belt.
Although not recommended as a day to day fashion accessory (unless you’re a carpenter) every heterosexual man should own at least one of these, just in case he gets the opportunity to pull it out in front of some beautiful women and play ‘Mr Handyman’.
When obtaining a tool belt, the rule is, the older the better. If you get a brand new one then you will risk looking like a total tool (pardon the pun) and any real tradesmen who see you will take one look at you and laugh because it’s obvious you haven’t done a hard day’s work in your life.
If you’re not normally the Handyman type, then try and inherit (borrow) one from your Dad or alternatively buy a new one and run over it a few times with your vehicle (make sure the tires are nice and dirty) so you will have a ‘used looking’ tool belt.
Once you have done this, put on your tool belt and assume the role of a seasoned tradesman ready to do a hard day of man stuff.
Unless you are dressed up as a superhero at a costume party (see ‘The best costumes for picking up at costume parties‘) then it is not cool to wear a utility belt.
A Player should NEVER ever, under any circumstances (life threatening included) wear a fanny pack.
Fanny packs are for…
-Gay Lebanese party boys
-Your recently divorced, hiking enthusiast seventh grade teacher who notoriously creeped out all the big breasted girls in your class with his leering stares.
If for whatever reason, you do one day feel compelled to put on a fanny pack then please make a stopover at your nearest plastic surgeon to hand in your male genitalia.
Gaudy belt buckles
Gaudy belt buckles with revolvers or eagles on them may look cool but unless you are part of a gang or a Rockstar it will make you look like a clueless, classless twat.
Nothing screams herpes like a big brass belt buckle sporting some obnoxious insignia, keep it simple and keep it player.
The rule with ties is simple, thick for business, thin for party.
In the business world it is essential that your tie is firmly and properly fastened (double Windsor is best) and is attached to a nice expensive shirt.
When business hours are over and you are still wearing a tie; if you wearing a vest or a blazer undo your top two buttons and loosen your tie accordingly (otherwise you will look like a failed businessman)
Or if you are only wearing the business shirt and tie it is generally cooler to just remove the tie completely and roll up your sleeves (good opportunity to show off your expensive watch or cool tattoos (have cool stories for both)) and then it’s party time.
When going out wearing a shirt and dress tie, make sure your tie is thin and your top button undone, if you are going to try for a cool casual look then you will want to look cool and casual therefore it is important not to have everything buttoned up like Urkel.
Apologies to younger generations who don’t know who ‘Urkel’ is but hey, that’s what Google is for.
With ties, keep it tasteful. If you have any ties with cartoons on them or non-manly colors like pink and yellow, then burn them. Burn them now.
Ties should be kept as classy and stylish as possible; we don’t want to be the ‘funny guy’ who everyone likes, we want to be the cool sexy guy who beautiful women love and jealous men hate.
Silk ties are always a win because they are relatively affordable and often get compliments from beautiful women. After being complimented on your awesome sexy tie, you can say something along the lines of, “It’s actually silk, don’t you just love the feel of silk on your skin?” Then have sex with them.
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