The Hipster epidemic

hate hipsters

By Kieran Black

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the common hipster {a.k.a Foetida fatuus molestus} you should be aware that they are only to be trifled with at your own risk of being exposed to copious amounts of sarcasm and self centered idiocy.

The hipster can most commonly be identified by their mismatched and unfashionable outdated plumage which they collect from vintage stores in seedy areas in order to form a characteristically disgusting collection of second hand clothing that only survived as long as they did because of the original owners buyers remorse or their weird uncle/auntie who kept buying them these horrible clothes because they were on sale at the local K-mart (for good reason).

Identifying hipsters

To a hipster, what the general bulk of the human population of the world considers to be utter garbage they consider to be treasured items and rather than label their retro clothing collection as the disgusting filth it is that you wouldn’t even use to clean the dog shit off your bike tires, they instead refer to it as ‘vintage’ and take pride in their apparent lack of good taste and financial competence.

The males of the hipster brood can easily be identified by their brightly coloured thick rimmed glasses based on the original ‘Ray Ban wayfarer’ that used to be cool back in the 50’s and 60’s and briefly once more during the 80’s, they can also be identified by the fact that they are wearing women’s jeans and their shoes look like they have been hanging from power lines for the last 10 years (in many cases this is because they have been).

The females can be identified by wearing worn out old dresses that were once considered the popular attire by 1950’s toothless prostitutes with aspergers, they also tend to sport a floral or pokadot pattern against ugly background colours that resemble what comes out of a sick hobos nose on a cold day.

One common factor between both sexes is the apparent inability to match colours that belong together or learn how to remove dry vegan vomit stains from their ‘vintage’ tweed jackets.

Dietary habits.

The diet of the hipster usually consists of either large quantities of boiled noodles (mainly for the poorer variety), unheard of organic vegetable dishes such as soy beans and salt and/or food from relatively obscure Asian and African cultures which consist primarily of spicy sauce and tofu or beans.

Hipsters have been known to startle and become rude and aggressive at the sight of mainstream (this is a dirty word in hipster language) people eating meat which many consider akin to murder in the hipster world and they will attempt to belittle their victims by displaying an expanse of irrelevant knowledge they obtained from their useless Arts degree or should they be short on useless information they will resort to snide sarcastic comments as a means of showing their disapproval.

Fat Hipster men do not exist, when hipsters become fat they cease to be Hipster and instead they just become creepy fat guys who hang outside children’s playgrounds.
This creepy fat man calls himself a Hipster but his manboobs tell another story.

Metamorphosis and subspecies of the Hipster.

Many say that Hipsters, Emo’s and Bohemians are all pretty much the same thing; well despite all belonging to the ‘homo tool family’ there are in fact some subtle differences.

Hipsters are the natural progression for emo’s, the younger socially awkward pubescent version.

When an Emo has reached a certain age and finished school he/she more often than not will go to University to study his/her arts degree or they travel to Paris or Venice believing themselves to be culturally elite and expecting acceptance only to discover that they are also considered tools and outcasts over there, it is during this transitional post-highschool phase that their fashion sense gets even worse and initial self hatred and disdain for their parents transitions into a general antipathy for the normal world about them and an unjustified sense of self importance.

The bohemian was the original jazzy version of the hipster but differs greatly in that bohemians had the ability to appear cool and sexy to the mainstream community, a quality which is absent in the modern hipster emulation.

Mating and reproductive habits

Hipsters; although capable of reproduction tend not to reproduce through sexual means but rather by spreading their influence through universities, impressionable young family members and crappy bands that no-one knows or cares about.

Hipsters generally have herpes as it is synonymous with their unkept appearance and general lack of standard with the other freaks that they consort with. (If hipsters don’t catch herpes off of other hipsters they will generally cultivate some variation themselves due to not washing regularly or they will get it from wearing the clothes of STD ridden male call boys from the 70’s)


When public transport is not an easy option, Hipsters like to ride old rusty bicycles in clothing which is not suitable for bike riding, this is their secondary form of transportation although wealthier hipsters will often drive around in very old, very polluting volvos then go on to lecture you about how bad it is that you haven’t been recycling the soap dispensers in your bathroom.

Preventing Hipster infection

The best way to prevent Hipster infection is to go to University and do a business, law, medicine or any further study that makes you of actual value to society so you don’t need to come up with philosophical justifications of your contribution to modern culture when you are in fact just a frustratingly daft tool.

Even better you can take the fight to Hipsters by making up fake indie band names and 1960’s french ‘film noir’ movies and telling them they are culturally unenlightened and mainstream when they tell you they don’t know what they are.

Why being a Hipster is detrimental to your success as a Player

By assuming the lifestyle of the Hipster you severely limit your options with women, not only is it very rare to find a hot Hipster girl but Hipster girls will often date non Hipster guys because they get sick of their Hipster boyfriends stealing their clothes and acting more feminine than they.

Normal girls however, will very rarely date Hipster guys because asides from the obvious lack of pubic hair management skills, horrible fashion sense and general all round cheapness, they will constantly remind them of how much of a ‘conformist and mainstream follower’ they are, not to mention dragging them along to Indie gig after Indie gig to listen to their Hipster friends attempting to play music!

It is good to be unique and different but these guys take it way too far, most people live within the mainstream and living within the mainstream you can attract all sorts of interesting people from all sorts of different social clicks because that is the nature of mainstream, flexibility and openness.

By Kieran Black

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