Perhaps one of the greatest challenges we face as Players and indeed men, is the ongoing internal battle which wages between heart and mind.
For many, the fine line that separates love and lust is rarely ever clearly drawn.
Often lost in the throngs of passion, we tend to disregard years of experience and let our hearts lead us blindly down perilous paths we wouldn’t have otherwise traversed.
Every time we get hurt we make it a little harder for ourselves to open up to the next girl who comes along and we either become emotionally withdrawn and closed off or should this continue we may begin to develop an unhealthy hatred towards women. Neither result is ideal for the modern Player as both outcomes will surely keep us miserable and lonely in the long run.
In order to ensure that these unfortunate outcomes don’t come to be, it is crucial for us, as men, to be able to recognise the difference between love and lust so that when we do fall, we don’t break our neck. This brings us to the question…
What is love?
(Baby don’t hurt me… don’t hurt me, no more…)
Love is a word that gets thrown around a lot. People will say ‘I love baseball’ or ‘I love Paris’ or ‘I love tap dancing’; they will talk about things, places and objects like they are actually capable of being loved.However, what they are in fact discribing, is an extreme fondness or infatuation.
The idea of being “in love” is a very different concept all together. True love is an emotion reserved for those that are capable of loving in return. You can not be ‘in love’ with a place, activity or things, you can only be very fond of them. This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love frustratingly difficult to accurately define.
Love is an all consuming, all powerful emotion. People have gone to war, created symphonies, made movies and written countless books all in the name of love. It is a subject that people will never tire of and it will never go out of fashion, it has been with us since the dawn of man and will remain with us until our ultimate demise.
Love can bring us up where we belong or drag us down to the very depths of despair but one thing is certain; it is so innately human that every person needs it, no matter how cold or bitter they may be. Anyone who believes otherwise and chooses to live their lives without love can only be pitied. People can never be truly happy or content with no love in their hearts.
Love can be a drug, or more specifically the hormone known as oxytocin, which causes chemical reactions in the brain and is responsible for us feeling the elated sensation of being in love. To many, love is more than biological, it appears to have more spiritual properties than scientific. Through our collective understanding of complex biology even the greatest cynics can still believe in love.
What is lust?
Lust is the insincere cousin of love, lust can have similar symptoms to love, which often causes us to confuse the two. Lust can make us obsess over people and create a need for having them in our lives, just like love can.
The important difference is this; lust is primarily sexual in nature but love can be independent of sexual desire and is, without exception, completely free of malice.
A healthy minded person would not feel ‘lust’ for their parents or lust for the family gerbil. However the same person could very well feel ‘love’ for those things due to their emotional investment in them but they do not want to have sex with them (this may not apply in some rural towns of Alabama)
Lust is being attracted to someone for the pleasure they ostensibly offer, rather than the long-term compatibility we would look for in a life partner.
Often in a state of lust we will fabricate the good qualities of the object of our infatuation in order to justify our lust towards them. Someone who seems quite plain to most onlookers may seem totally irresistible and boner inducing to a person in a state of lust.
We meet people who are physically attractive every day but we do not ‘lust’ after all of them, we might feel attraction but in order for that to develop into lust there needs to be some kind of illusive forbidden pleasure.
That is why it is common for lust to grow most powerful in the most socially improper situations and why so many men and women cheat on their partners with someone within their immediate social circle, the wrongness of it is exciting to someone deeply in lust.
How do I tell the difference between love and lust?
Love comes from a place of purity, no-one has ever felt wrong or guilty for being in love. To someone in love, nothing could seem more innately right and they will fight for that love. If you are questioning whether you yourself are in lust or in love just ask yourself, “does this feel 100% right to me or do I instinctively feel that I am doing something ‘wrong’?” Deep down we all know the answer to that question.
Someone in lust will feel naughty or bad pursuing it… they will feel that what they are doing or wanting is somehow wrong and inappropriate. Unfortunately for many a broken heart out there, doing something wrong with someone wrong is, more often than not, very sexually exciting.
As Player’s we are constantly meeting and seducing new women and if we were to fool ourselves into believing that we loved each and every one of them then we would be way too busy being broken hearted. This would be a severe distraction from getting out there and making sexy-time with loads of beautiful babes.
It is therefore essential that we only open ourselves up to getting hurt when we are sure it is for the right reasons. If we know that what we are experiencing is lust and not love then we can know to invest the right amount of time and emotion. This will help to ensure that we are not wasting our time on the wrong girls and we remain in control of our romantic life.
Love can only exist and grow when coupled with returned love. It is a reciprocal cycle of positivity and negativity, if you love someone who does not care about you then this is not really love it is lust and you are setting yourself up to get hurt. If they don’t feel the same way that you do then chances are things wont change with time and effort.
One also has to question the motivations behind the lust we have towards a person. Quite often we will feel lust towards a girl that has in some way denied or defied us and women feel the same way when the situation is reversed, we are fundamentally attracted to people who challenge us.
If you are a human male then you have no doubt at some point in your life, been guilty of wanting to seduce and bed a girl just to placate your ego and the resulting sensation from conquering the unconquerable feels fantastic to say the least, but at what price do we gain this validation?
You can lust after someone you strongly resent or dislike, even hate. Lust can drive us to want to use sex as a means of domination and subversion. Lust can drive us to use sex as a weapon, an act generally reserved for extreme affection can become an act of affliction. This kind of lust is dangerous because it will lead to misogyny which will in turn negatively affect our ability to attract and keep quality women.
Lust can lead to love but love can not lead to lust (unless it’s your sister and you live in Alabama). In almost every great love story, lust has been a precursor of love. If the sexual chemistry exists but the compatibility does not, then lust will run it’s course and someone will get hurt. If both the sexual chemistry and compatibility exist then this relationship will always blossom into love regardless of any obstacles which may present themselves.
Love conquers all.