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The Impact of Standards on Emotional Attachments

One of the most common issues I come across with men who are looking to improve their success with women is that they have no idea what it is they want outside of physical appearance. They don’t have a type, any standards , or a quality they’re looking for. They’re not approaching women because they’re interested in the woman they’re approaching. Men are approaching women because they’re interested in validating their ego by “capturing” or obtaining the conquest that is set before them. It’s all about the challenge of “Can I get her?” and none of it is about, “Is she a fit for me?” When an approach is made from this perspective the man approaching puts all the pressure on himself to be, say, or do whatever he needs to so that he can accomplish his mission. His approach is then about feeling validated. The woman becomes the one who is in power; because, she becomes the key holder for which the man is searching—whether she realizes it or not. If she says “yes,” then the man feels validated and inflated. If she says no, then the opposite happens. Therefore, any man approaching a woman from this perspective is simply playing a numbers games. His approaches are completely subject to chance—the girl’s mood, the weather, how many other guys tried to approach her that day, etc. Not only does this approach reduce a guy’s probability of success to mere chance, but it also creates a host of other future issues that I’ll be covering below.

You see, a man’s visual nature is the main reason this happens. As men, we often find ourselves ridiculing women for their emotional nature—faulting women for making illogical decisions based on how they feel as opposed to what may be best for them. But how often do we make decisions based on what we SEE as opposed to what may be best for us? How often do we chase the beautiful outside yet shitty inside type of girl to no avail? How often do we care about anything other than what she looks like, what her phone number is and when we can get her alone? Now, in no way am I condemning the pursuit of beauty. Being physically attractive is one of the traits the women in our lives must have, but that should be a given and nothing more. That should only be what makes us give them consideration. It shouldn’t  be what makes us interested beyond a conversation. No more than we would require water to be clear and without debris before we consider drinking it, should we require a woman to be attractive before we consider being interested in her. Now could clear water still be contaminated?  Absolutely. And in the same light beautiful women could still very well be contaminated physically, emotionally, and psychologically. Therefore as men, we need to be more concerned with a woman’s contents than with how clear and visibly drinkable she may be on the outside. Now if all you’re looking for is a friends with benefits situation or a one-night stand while you’re out approaching women then by all means proceed, so long as your intentions have been communicated. (Now, I think we should also raise our standards beyond just beauty for the type of women we’re looking to be friends with benefits with as well.) But the problem i’m discovering is that too many guys are getting emotionally attached to these women that they haven’t investigated for contamination before deciding to drink from them. As a result, they’re getting emotionally sick and distraught when things don’t work out.

So how should you approach?

First of all, what is it that you want? Do you even know? Are you aware of the qualities, attributes, or type of history you require as a standard for a woman you’re giving the time of day? We all know women want to feel special; they want to feel “CHOSEN” not as if you’ve settled for them. They want to know that you could’ve selected any woman you wanted , but you decided on her because she met your requirements. Her emotional attachment to you will be partially based upon how much thought and energy you put into choosing her. Now if you just chose her because she was attractive it’s going to be a challenge for her to put her trust in you because she sees attractive women all time. How many of them could easily replace her? If that’s all it took for you to want to be with her; that’s all it’ll take for you to want to be with another woman. With that being said, when you approach a woman you must approach her to find out whether or not she meets your standards (once you get some). I know I don’t want a woman who doesn’t have a decent relationship with her father, because her relationship with her father has potential to be a reflection of her relationship with me. Now if the dads isn’t available or if she’s made a concerted effort to reach out to him in attempt to build a relationship, then that’s entirely different from a woman who doesn’t have the desire for a relationship with her father. So when I am out talking to women one of the very first conversations I have with her or listen for or discuss is how they easily they bring up, praise, or talk about their dads. Upon consistent hearing healthy mentions of her dad, or statements about their relationship, I decide that I can invest a bit more interest in her. I also don’t want a woman who has had a large number of sexual partners. For several psychological, physical, emotional and spiritual reasons; one of which this chart talks about below:

 

The more sexual partners a woman has had before marriage the more likely she is to be a contributor to an unhappy, unstable marriage. I’ve spoken before about the more a woman gives something up the less value she will begin to put on that what she’s given up. Where most virgins will develop a strong emotional attachment after sex, highly promiscuous women will put less value on sex and develop less attachment to the people because of how frequently she’s already done it.

Now these are just a few of several of my standards. And don’t make my standards your standards just because you’re reading this article (unless of course they resonate). What are your standards? List them. When you approach a woman, make sure a good deal of the conversation you have with her centers around whether or not she fits your standards. Also understand during this process that no woman is going to meet every single standard on your list; but, let’s say you have nine core standards that you’re looking for in a woman. If she meets six to seven of those standards she’s definitely someone you could continue  dating and seeing as a potential for something more.

Now this process benefits us in a few ways… It allows the women we date to value us as someone who isn’t interested in dating just any woman and trust us more because of this. It also allows us to have a more realistic perspective on the women we’re dealing with before we become too emotionally invested. What I’ve discovered from my own life and the guys that i’ve worked with is that once we’re emotionally invested, (and god help us if we’re emotionally invested on looks alone) the less we want to know the real details about the women we’re dealing with. We fall victim to the fantasy. We want to believe that the woman we’re interested in is some magical fairy just because we have feelings for her. Surely our ego won’t allow us to feel like we could become emotionally invested in some girl who has lived her whole life in such a way that is destructive to her future and ours. Surely we’re emotionally smarter than that… Or are we?

When you find out on the first or second day of dealing with a woman that she has ten children by ten different men and that she’s been on and off drugs her whole life, you’re more likely to decide that she’s probably not for you. But lets say you met this same woman and took interest in her because she was beautiful. And lets say you spent thousands of dollars, lots of time, and energy going on dates, sleeping with her, and developing strong emotional connections without the conversation of her children and drug abuse ever coming up in the conversation. Then later it casually comes out after all of this investment. Could you still walk away given all that you’ve invested?  I’ve known  a number of guys who ended up marrying women who were prostitutes all simply because they didn’t discover who the woman truly was until after they were mentally, physically, and financially so invested that they developed a emotional attachment with the women far too strong for them to do anything about it.

So when you approach a woman and do so from a position of “I know I am good enough, I’m just here to find out if you meet my requirements” not only does it put you in an attractive position of leadership, but it also saves you a lot of emotional investment for someone who may or may not be worth it. It gives you a realistic view point of them. It keeps you from putting them on a pedestal. It gives you a clarity of vision so that you can deal with them accordingly. Once this is done; the woman has no choice but to be emotionally connected to your process of “choosing” as opposed to your process of settling just because you like the way that she looks.

Lets get some standards guys. Grab a pen and paper or open up a note file on your smart phone, and list standards that you’re going to require the future women you approach to meet if you’re going to consider investing in them. Do research, find legitimate standards so that you can discuss them with others if necessary. You’ll be saving yourself a lot of time and energy, and you’ll come across much more attractive to all the women you approach in the future.

Thanks for reading.

Eddie Fews


For One on One Coaching and Consultations via Skype, Phone, or Instant Messenger; Email: EddieFews@wayoftheplayer.com

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