The Conversation: Dealing With Flakes

This is the beginning of a series of conversations i’ve had with emails and members of relationship forums that I am going to begin posting on WOTP. This is part one.. Stay tuned for more. 

Emailer: Hey,

You know you’re fucked when you create an account specifically to ask about one girl. Goddamn.

Anyway, I’ve been seeing a coworker for a few weeks. To keep it short, she’s office eye candy, smart, cute, all that. We’re a good match for each other – or so I think. She’s very affectionate and receptive when we’re together, but she gives mixed signals otherwise. Either that or I’m being paranoid.

For example, we were supposed to go out last Thursday. While walking home, she said she can’t make it tonight but is available Friday. I said Friday doesn’t work for me so she said she’s available Saturday as well. 2 counter offers on her part, so that’s good right?

Saturday comes along:

Me: Yo, half cute girl. You available tonight?

Her: *very cute girl. and yes.

Her: but only later tonight cuz I have some things to do

Me: That’s fine, I’m busy up until 21. So 21:30?

Her: don’t know, I need to attend a bday party at 19:30 and not sure how long it’ll last

Me: A’right, let me know when you’re done and we’ll see if it works for me

Her(@ 21): Can’t make it tonight. Coffee at your place tomorrow morning?

Me(@ 1 am): Sure. See you tomorrow.

She follows up, comes by my place and we have a great time. Before she leaves, I tell her we’re going out Wednesday and she agrees.

So yesterday morning we talk a little bit, I say I’ll see her tonight and will call when I leave the office. She was working from home. And I do. I call, she doesn’t pickup but texts that she’s with her brother to the mall and will call me when she gets home.

I trust my gut, don’t hold my breath and go out with a few friends. She texts me over facebook at 22:30:

Her: whats <petname> doing?

Me: he’s doing fine, what’s <petname> doing?

Her: she just got home 10 mins ago

Her: :-*

Her: and she’s dead tired

Her: :-*

Me: Great. Go make yourself cute and get over here

Her: I’d love to make myself cute

Her: that’s why I had a bath

Her: so my hair is wet

I don’t get her behavior. She shows massive attraction, she escalates with me, initiates kino, grabs my hand while we walk on the street… and then this?

Don’t know what to think here. This is the first flake with no reschedule on her side. But flakes with reschedules don’t make me that entirely happy either.

So yeah, what’s going on here? How can someone show so much interest in person and then get so so over texts?

Btw I play it cool so she has NO idea that I’m as interested in her as I am  starting to think there is a possibility I really like this girl.

_

Me: Lol.

I threw up in my mouth a little.. This is a possibility? You’re making a post about her. Its not longer a possibility.

And she DOES know. What makes you think she doesn’t? Because you didn’t look her square in the eyes, and spell it out for her plainly? Give me a break. Women are intuitive. They operate on intuition and sub communication, they are not direct and to the point like we are.

So they aren’t listening to your words per say, they are interpreting the meaning behind your words. Just as the would do with their girlfriends. This is why women think “men are stupid” and men think ” Women are stupid”. We don’t understand the basics of their intuitive communication the way their girlfriends do. And they don’t understand our logical and philosophical conversation.

She knows bro. You can’t hide what you feel unless you speak women (which we should all learn to) and communicate only what you want them to know.

A chick is going to exploit any amount of wiggle room you give her. So because she knows, based on what she has analyzed about you, that she can GET AWAY with a couple flakes hear and there and still keep your interest, she will use what was given. Its like sick days at a job. You would never call out of your job three days in a row because you know if you did they would FIRE YOU. But you’ll call out one day here and there, because you have wiggle room to do so. You can enjoy some leisure and still keep your position. Now lets say you were the best employee the company ever seen; and they let you KNOW this.. You would call out two or three days in a row because you know and they’ve shown you in subtle ways that they NEED your contribution.

So thats all thats going on here. She’s only operating from the wiggle room that you have given her. She has sick days.. She’s using them. You’ve made it clear enough to her that her contribution to your life is valuable enough that she can get away with certain behavior. Its simple.

Now how does the “job” fix this problem? ITs tough. If they need you they need you. They would have to find a better employee to replace you, or thats at least be competitive with you so that they can take away some wiggle room. Or they can just say “fuck it.. you’re fired. I believe we’re a great enough company and i’m a great enough boss to train someone new to be just as good”.

You’re the boss bro. She’s only doing what you let her.

Anymore questions?

_

Emailer: Yeah.

How do I not let her do it? I can understand if it happens from time to time, sick days, it’s not like we don’t have personal lives. I just don’t want it to become habit or happen 3 days in a row as per you analogy.

Both you and PEEBLE make valid points but with different approaches. He suggests offering her that wiggle room as a way of determining where you stand, you suggest (by what I understand) not doing that.

Of-course I think I can find someone just as good, but that involves time and effort. I can, but like any good employer, I’d rather become more competitive. So in that regard, I should become less available myself. Right?

I mean this feels like a burned out light bulb. It’s just a bulb, you replace the thing not buy a different house. Now if the foundation starts going to shit, than yeah, time to find a different place.

_

Me: There more wiggle room you give, the more shit you have to deal with. Of course we’re humans with lives, but YOUR JOB doesn’t want to hear your excuses.. Even if they are valid. Now depending on your position they will opt to hear a few, but even then, you have but so many.. Even if its ” My mom passed”.. And I feel like I’m more important to any woman than her job. That job uses you just for labor, it may come or it may go, but I will still be here. And I complete your life and give you energy. Your job takes it. I’m more valuable. If a woman had to choose between me and her job, I believe I’m valuable enough that she would choose me. So I take less excuses, and because this is my frame.. I don’t have to hear excuses.

Give someone a foot and they take you a mile.

I love the women in my life, and I love them enough to NOT allow them to make me unhappy (by doing things like flaking), because if they make me unhappy, it will have a negative influence on our relationship. As the leader, my unhappiness will make her unhappy. So I have to protect my happiness by limiting the wiggle room. And so if I’m happy and I’m the leader, I have no choice but to make the one I’m leading happy. They may not always like it in the moment, but they will love you for it later.

You know that professor or teacher who was tough.. Gave NO wiggle room to miss any assignments? You always respected that teacher, you loved that teacher, and you were always on time to class because you didn’t want to disappoint that teacher. You didn’t always like the teacher, because they were TOUGH, but you loved them, respected them, and credit them for part of your evolution. Now what about the teacher that just lets you do whatever you wanted? Sure they’re cooler, but you don’t learn as much. You probably don’t remember anything they’ve taught you once the class was over. And You may even laugh at them with your friends.. Same concept.

Too much wiggle room has been the DOOM of almost every relationship I have worked with guys on. Once they limit that wiggle room, the respect is there, and a woman can only love a man that she respects.

The wiggle room shit is cool in the beginning, its like ” I’m FREE.. WEEEEEE” but then its like ” Theres no structure…no respect.. I need a MAN. I can’t do this”

Be loving, be gentle, but also be strict. Women will love you for it.

And in no way am I saying that you have to fire her, or get a new girl.. It was a metaphor. What you need is a mentality switch. You have to be WILLING to fire her or WILLING to hire someone new. Take a 2 day break from contacting her and get your mind together. Wrap your head around what I said.

_

Emailer: I understand the logic behind it, I don’t understand the “how to”. How do I be strict? It’s not like I can call her out on it without seeming needy, because it feels needy. Maybe if I do it in a playful manner to let her know I value my time, but whenever you have to yell “I am the king” you’re no real king, right?

So that leaves actions instead of words. The only way I can think of showing that willingness is being true to myself and restricting the amount of attention I give to her until I feel she deserves more.

_

Me: Your mentality, is the influencer of your frame.. And everything you say carries the emotional resonance of your mentality and frame. You don’t have to tell a girl ” i’m desperate and needy for you” for her to know this. Women communicate with each other intuitively and they “try” to do the same with us. But once again, they think we’re stupid because we’re incapable. You can tell a woman ” I hate you” in such a way emotional in which she still hears ” I love you”. Because they don’t hear the words, they hear the emotions behind them.

So you don’t have to say ANYTHING, you just have to KNOW what you are and KNOW from within where you stand. Why do you think some people get bullied and some don’t? The people that don’t get bullied don’t have to say to the bully ” You better not bully me or i’ll kill you” .. They sub communicate that they aren’t the one to be bullied based off of the sub communicative mannerisms. They’re mannerism and frame is a result of there mentality. They know in their own mind that they will KILL the bully if she tries that shit with them. And women are 10x as intuitive as men, so if a male bully can pick up on this, imagine how easy it is for a woman to.

So what i am saying is.. YOU NEED A MENTALITY SWITCH. You don’t pull a 180 with your actions, it’ll throw her off and scare her. You begin reconditioning the way you think.. You begin correcting your thoughts little by little until you internalize the frame I spoke above.

Our thoughts become our words, our words become our actions, our actions become our habits, our habits becomes our character and our character becomes our destiny. It starts with your thoughts! Your thoughts of her has lead her to believe she can behave this way(because its influenced your frame), and so your NEW thoughts over some time will let her know that she can’t.

I have found that this is a tough thing for men to do while they are still in it. Its like asking me how to no longer get wet in a rain storm while its still raining. One would have to be removed from the storm. Which is why I suggested a 2 day break from contact to get your mind together.

If you’ve never done it, its difficult to understand, but if you take the 2 days like I suggested it’ll all begin to make a bit more sense. Its tough to understand something you’ve never done, and I would just encourage you to take my word for it.

_

Emailer: I got it. Thanks Eddie!


Email: EddieFews@wayoftheplayer.com for all inquiries and consultation rates

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